25 Years

This shall be my husband's gift for our 25th wedding anniversary. I'm still unemployed so i have to be rich in words. Positive energy & wishes for love to all...

Unspoken Words

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Unspoken words
stark impressions
shear bright
white light
reflections
of a blank page


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Reflections & Thanks…

I want to write about a dear friend of mine. We partnered up for a few projects while bogged down in our undergraduate. In those never-ending days I was raising children and Lena was living in residence so we would get together at my house where the television was often running and kids were wandering in and out. We would discuss literature and critics; we would brainstorm ideas for our papers, eat meals, snacks, and drink coffee, coffee, tea.

However, on a particular remove-your-coat, sunglasses-day in March (which happened to be my birthday) we opted to skip class in favour of sitting on the patio at the Grad House and order a jug of sunshine. There we sat, sipped and soaked in the sunshine until it was time to remove the sunglasses and shade our shoulders with the coats of March. The day was a gift. Weather-wise I had never had such a fine birthday, nor have I again.

As it does, time has turned its hand, my children have moved out and on with their own lives, Lena has married, is raising two children of her own, and working three jobs while she earns a PHD. We manage to visit a couple times a year, email once in a while, and hardly talk on the phone because time is unforgiving.

Yesterday, the sun shining, March winds blowing, Lena booked the day away from children, work, and studies. She turned off her cell-phone, drove to my house and picked me up to spend another birthday.

After a brief visit in my too quiet house we went for a drive chattering all the way about our different struggles with time – her demands so high that a tub-soak is a two-year-ago luxury (as every mother knows) while my nest suffers neglect and envy. She told me about a book, a must read by Jane Anderson who writes about "finding your authentic self after a lifetime of being all things to all people." Lena laughed, telling me that she had picked the book up because Jane Anderson so aptly fit the life enhancement into her schedule: A Weekend to Change your Life.

Thus engaged in wonderful conversation we lived a bit of the advice from the book and drove to Amherstburg Ontario where there is a quaint Tea House, white lace on dark tables, sunlight streamed from a bay window charming the dimly lit room. Menus were brought out and rejected by my dear friend who had already arranged everything for the five course lunch part of our date. For the better part of three hours we sipped tea (a most wonderful tea, which I have to ask the flavor of) and soup, nibbled salad and tiny sandwiches and cheese-cake and fruit and crumpets, and we chattered before taking another pleasant drive to a garden shop where we strolled and gazed at the promise of spring.

We spent time as if we were rich in it: my mind never once wandered away to phone calls I have to place, forms that need filling, the condition of my kitchen, or any other worry that the resent world has held for me.

Last night I removed crystal figurines from the cabinet where they were kept safe through the years of bouncing balls to hacky-sacs to the 'my-parents are-out-of-town-lets-part' years and displayed then on the dragon-fly gem-stone mirror this friend gifted to me after our lunch. I flipped on the lamp, sat back with a glass of red wine and I marveled at the rainbow reflects: past, present, and future.

And I said thank you
to the universe
for gifting me
in all ways

And thank you!

Good people stand strong

I am still dealing with the stressful, difficult situation, which I eluded to last week. I am hopeful for a positive outcome but in order for that to happen I think it is necessary for me to start viewing the process in a new way. So far my dealings have left me feeling tired with anxiety and head-aches (which is how I feel at this moment).

I started this process saying that it wouldn’t matter if I won, as long as I went through the process and made my voice heard. After a meeting on Friday I realized the mistake in thought. The idea that my voice could or would be heard without winning is rather silly. Who would really hear such a voice? The described is a voice that pretends to be heard and lowers the action I am taking to something somewhat self-indulgent.

The original reason that I decided to follow through with this avenue of dealing is because I felt a sense of obligation. There are many people who have been through similar situations as I have but for various reasons (be it communication barriers or other) they have too difficult of a time to follow through to justice. That may seem like a high ground, but it was my first grounding in following through with the action that I have started (which I very nearly gave up on starting).

Friday evening I became aware that there is a large part of me that wants this action to be successful. Its success will hold the message that nice people do not finish last. There is no choice but to win this action. I am a kind, positive person and to have that mistaken as a weakness (which is all too common) is unacceptable. The assertion that “nice people finish last” is ego laden. This is not about ego; it is about integrity and balance.

Staying Out of the Funk

I have taken some days off from the blog world. For the latter part of last week and then the past few days I had been in a bit of a funk (interesting how I had the ability to take the weekend off…going visiting helped). I have been dealing with a situation which I’d rather not deal with, but at the same time, feeling a sense of obligation to follow through in the spirit of humanity. I would rather not go into detail here, but wish me luck and positive energy.

The part about positive energy is important because the dealings are so tiring. The draining of energy created a spiral and here I was, worrying about not having a job, not being able to make due payments, losing ‘healthy’ perspective and thereby creating blocks to answers. The good news is that I am aware. I choose not to fall into fear and anxiety…I move away from that.

So this morning I reenter the blog world. And I visit Linda. I will not say more. I think today my post is simply to direct you Linda’s way.
http://worldofspirit.blogspot.com/2009/03/power-of-thought-major-spiritual-lesson.html

Thank you my friends. And stay clear of the emotional vampires.

Positive Thoughts = Positive Energy

Yellow

On the poem "Doing dishes"

In different ways, some pieces of work are easier to share than others: “Doing Dishes” is difficult for me to present in the written form as opposed to presenting it in a live forum. Anyone out there who actually knows me as a person will realize what a huge statement that is. To say that I am not a fan of public speaking would be a gross understatement. After the first time I did a live presentation from "De die in diem" I veered from the podium, down the isle which had clapping people on each side, through the open doors and into the hall (more clapping people) and to my office without acknowledging a single person. I have regretted that I didn’t stick around for handshakes and compliments – writing that statement makes me feel somewhat shallow (sorry I missed the praise) – but leaving was better. Leonard Cohen made claims of not having room for regrets and in this case I can understand his statement: it was far better to have the breakdown that followed, in the privacy of my office. That was the only time I’ve ever had that violent reaction after a reading but the experience has made me quite uneasy about live presentations of my work. Strangely when I present (this poem) in public a positive response never fails; however, I am also unsure as to how well some pieces will be received in the written word. “Doing Dishes” is one of them.

This issue, of hearing and seeing a writer as they present their own words as opposed to reading the work on the page, is very interesting. I have brought it to the floor with students in every class I have taught (no matter the level of practice they were at) and every age-group (grade 8 to adults). I personally have thought about the issue since my days in university. One of my poems (“Yellow”) hit the table for discussion. The practice was that we (the author) read the piece before it would be discussed. After I finished reading “Yellow” (which I may get up the courage to post) my professor claimed that she had a sheet full of comments but they became irrelevant. She did not have questions; no criticism to give me, nor did anyone else at the table of a dozen. All that accomplished was me doubting the power of my work in the written form (which I’ve never told my students or anyone else for that matter). However, our experiences are not as important as what we learn from them. This is the period when I began to pay attention to the appearance of the word (“I” vs. “i”) and to their position on the page. I also started utilizing the blank space on the page and doing away with most punctuation (which is maybe too often read in association with prose).

So here I step up and present “Doing dishes” in its written form and invite you to comment, question, or criticize…all opinions are valued. And remember that you can click on the image to enlarge it for easy reading.

Thank you in advance.

Doing Dishes

"The Ego Boom: Why the World Really Does Revolve Around You"

Last night TVO’s (Ontario Public Television) “The Agenda” aired a very informative debate on Steve Maich’s book, “The Ego Boom.” Though last night was the first time I have heard of this book or of Steve Maich, for that matter, it is amazingly relevant to my post on spending.

The show opened with a brief introduction of what Steve Maich explores in his book, which was published before the lay-offs and buy-out, before the experience of the present global situation.

“Our ego is responsible for the current economic crisis,” Maich said. He went on to describe how the 1980’s quest for self-esteem (and to instill self-esteem into our children) had gone awry, how the advertising media had shifted from statements of aspiration to those of self-affirmation (“because I’m worth it” shifted to, “because you’re worth it.”): eventually over-blowing self-esteem into something narcissistic and how the banks eventually came to invest in the notion that “ownership” somehow reflects self-worth.

I think of the book as a depiction of the gradual, steady building and the consequences of false self-esteem on a very large scale…defiantly a book that I’d like to read.

Something that rings true, and that we may each need to think about, is the idea that “the economy is here to serve us, not the other way around” (Elizabeth May). I admit that I have never thought of it that way before but I find May’s statement quite liberating. If we give May’s statement some thought and turn our practices around, it seems to me that we will experience more freedom than we ever have before – traveling a more positive road.

Elizabeth May (Political leader of the Green Party), Brink Lindsey (from the CATO Institute), Alan Hatchenson (Law Professor), and Dalton Conley (Sociology Professor) debated the issues Steve Maich raises in “The Ego Boom.”

http://www.tvo.org/agenda
Click onto the Wed. Feb 11/09 tab for "The Ego Boom" debate

http://www.keyporter.com/BookDetail.aspx?ISBN=1552639754
Details on the book "The Ego Boom"

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Character & Structure

Character & Structure

I have been mulling over questions about this story idea to which I’ve challenged myself. One question I’ve already raised (in the ‘Developing a Character’ entry) is “why has this early life experience come back to the woman at this time in her life?” I have also been mulling over the story’s structure. I have about 5ooo words down and then came to the question of where is it going from here? and the good ol' question of "What's the point?"

As we already know, the story opens in the first person as the woman reflects on the early childhood experience, which explains how she came to stop telling stories. The breaking down of communication is a very important part of this character’s experience. First story-telling is discouraged. As we go on we will experience how words eventually lose meaning and I’m thinking that writing even becomes dangerous for her (because it is a form of story-telling).

Last night I was inspired with an answer as to why this character remembers the early experience and is readily talking about it. At first I thought that something tragic must have happened and I think that may be why I was blocked. The circumstances would actually be contrary to tragic. In order for this woman to relay the experience as she has (she's almost humourous about it at times), there must be something positive going on in her life. I am now thinking that she would not be able to go back to remember these events and relay them as she does unless she is in a positive and safe space, which I see as being achieved through understanding. Something wonderful is happening in this character’s adult world.

The story’s structure will start back in time (the woman’s childhood) and from there I'm thinking it will go even further back in time (before her existence) where we will be reintroduced to each of the main players in the girl’s life. In doing this, the story will have to flip from 1st person narrative to 3rd (which I think I can pull off). I am not quite sure yet, but I imagine the 1st person character may be peppered in there, but it would be the voice of the older, hopefully wiser, main character (whom we still have to assign a name to). In the final part of the story we learn what positive events enable the woman to tell the story.

Our character will come full circle. I see her strong. In the end she is doing the very thing that her early childhood experience had brutally forbidden. She will have fought to gain the language which she was denied. Her words will have meaning and she will have self.

On the message of spending

In the media I often hear this message about getting out there and spending money. In general, I find it to be an insulting and miss-directed message. People are being laid off, they are losing their homes and then the media, ultimately, blames them for the economic situation with the absurd claim that they are supposed to be spending money. How? What money? People (be it individuals, businesses, governments) have been spending money they didn't have for decades and now it is catching up with all of us.

The most important message of the moment is the idea that we have been neglecting our spiritual needs, thus creating a feeling of emptiness (some kind of hole that needs filling) and we have been trying to fill that hole with 'things'…materialism; if any thing it is time for us to step away from that. It is time for us to learn to live simply; simply learn to live. And it is time for us to each get acquainted with the self and our individual spiritual needs, or if you prefer, the needs of our spirit (the genuine self).

I am also laid off and see no ‘job’ prospect, which is why I started this blog in the first place. Depressing? Yes! And that is fine. It was okay for me to take a few days to feel sorry for myself but in all, I do have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I won’t bother posting what I don’t have…what I’ve learned to live without, but I do have my old computer and internet. I have friends and family and communication. And I have one aspect of ability that I have worked very hard to try to develop, one passion that I could not justify spending time on because I was supposed to be out in the world generating money, working at some job some place to prove something to someone somewhere. I have neglected writing since graduating university. It is what many university graduates do…they graduate and look for a job and end-up doing something that has nothing or little to do with the area of study which meant enough to them to keep them going through the four to seven or more years it has taken to earn their degrees. What, ‘Reality’ sets in?…how sad. I am kindly lifting the guilt, for not making and spending money, off of my shoulders and I am working at getting to writing; to get doing the thing that inspired me to be able to endure seven years in that learning institution.

And okay, this may seem like a ‘privileged’ example. What about the people who, life being what it was at the given time, felt a need to take that factory job, make money so they could live and so they could spend money? The difference is slim. I am not, nor have I ever been ‘privileged’ in the financial sense. I am the first university graduate from my blue-collar family (outstanding school loans, past due). My brother is laid off after 21 years of working in a factory. He had ‘goals’ which he misplaced by labeling them as ‘dreams.’ When I learned about his lay off I suggested that it could be a blessing in disguise. He readily agreed with me. He has severance pay and training services available. Should he be spending his money right now? No! He should be taking time to digest the idea that his life has taken a new direction, getting in touch with himself, acknowledging the possibilities. It’s time to be creative, think outside of the box, and see the new. Winter feels long but spring always comes.

I was speaking with a very dear friend the other day, and as is true with many people right now, our conversation turned into talk about the economic situation. I told her, I feel that something positive is going to come from all of this mess; however, I didn’t explain myself. Now I have.

Mathematically:
Positive thoughts = Positive energy
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Untitled Introduction of a Story

This is the first paragraph of the story that i am developing based on my last post. What i like about it is the movement and how that movement ("flipping") is reflective of the subject matter in regards to how this girl views Mr. Burr.

Just Write: Check

Just Write: Check

Check

Finding a Character to Develop

I have often told my Creative Writing students (kids and adults alike) that, to be a writer, it is important to keep your eyes and ears open. As many Creative Writing teachers, I have also suggested that students go to the mall just to sit and write about what they see and hear; however, I have also let them know, it doesn’t have to be the mall. The idea can be taken anywhere.

I have a short story which was written based on a question I over-heard in a cafeteria. Two people were talking about a popular news story in which a woman was charged after beating her elderly father, was it to death or nearly to death? I can’t remember any more. The cafeteria speakers were deeply in scorn, bastardizing the woman whom they spoke of, when one of them posed the question, “How could anyone do that to their elderly father?” It was a rhetorical question that no one really wanted an answer for but I heard it as a relevant question to explore. “Time’s Table” was the result.

One of my favourite places for such a writing exercise is on the bus. Bus writing has resulted in a few short stories, including my first paid publication, titled “Check” (which I will have to type in so I can share).

I now have an exercise for myself which is based on similar experience coupled with my ability to place myself in another person’s situation by asking the question of how something could be. While on the bus last night, I heard a woman talking about an early childhood experience. The woman did not show herself to be bothered by the experience. If it really didn’t bother her; however, I don’t know why the early experience would have come back to the woman who appeared to be in her 40’s.

At the age of 5 or 6 years, the woman had been staying at a friend’s house and witnessed a case of domestic violence. From the kitchen the girl and her childhood friend watched a scene take place in the living room. The girlfriend’s father was drunk, the parents were dancing circles around each other (figuratively as well as physically) arguing loudly, name-calling, hands that slapped shoulders began to lightly push and push with force; she described the father flinging the mother over a couch and then going over and throwing the couch out of his way so he could get to her some more. The woman claimed that, as a 5 or 6 year old girl, she just stood there and watched without disturbance. The scene went on until the friend’s teenaged brother called the police who came and removed the father from the house.

The woman claimed that the scene did not scare her at the age of 5 or 6 and joked about making sure kids have something to show rather than tell for their day of presenting at school because she had nothing to show for hers so stood at the front of the classroom and made the events from the previous evening her feature story. She ever so casually made comment about the beating she took for telling the story when she got home from school that day.

As I sat there nonchalantly listening I wondered what this said about this person’s own experience. What must a 5 or 6 year old child have experienced for that domestic scene not to have bothered her? What possibility of reasons could there be for the scene to come back to her at this age in her life? Though she claims none, there must have been an impact why else would she be remembering this story some 40 years later? – what was it? And then, as most people might do, I found myself putting myself in her place and was struck by the impact that such early-age experience would have on a would-be writer – imagine being beaten at the age of 5 or 6 for telling a story.

I have decided that I want to try to develop this character which hinges off of that one childhood experience, which I am sure affected her more than she is able to acknowledge.